Church, huh... What is it good for? Absolutely nothing?

Talk about outdated nonsense... The bible is centuries old, outdated mumbo-jumbo. It was written just to explain what people didn't understand at the time. Like, a rainbow. Um, uh, GOD MADE IT TO SHOW THAT HE WON'T FLOOD THE WORLD AGAIN! Noah's Ark... Can't ever happen. No floating vessel is large enough to hold every animal in the world. Back then, they didn't know of other continents. They figured that the world was a 100 mile radius from where they stood.


But one thing is true in the bible (remember, this is satire)... If you were born out of wedlock, yes, if you are a bastard child, you and the next 10 generations are doomed to burn in the pits of hell. All of the praying and penance in the world will not change the fact that you were born a bastard child. You should find out if your great, great, great, great grandmother popped out a kid out of wedlock. It would save a LOT of wasted time going to church and praying if it won't do any good, right?


Or are you one of those bible-thumpers that cherry-pick what bible verses you want to follow and those you don't? If you believe that the bible is your flaming sword to fend off the demons of hell, then you have to follow it to a "T". 


And don't give me any of that (as the Assembly of God church says), "Well, we follow the new testament and not the old." Then are you saying that you don't need to believe or follow the 10 commandments? Weren't those in the old testament? Why read the old testament if you are going to head out to Famous Dave's for some pork ribs? Not supposed to eat pigs or shellfish either, or are you cherry-picking which parts of the old testament to believe in and what not to believe in?


Sounds almost like a blaspheming demon to me; To live your life asking, "What would Jesus do?" while lying in court to save your ass, or living with your boyfriend/girlfriend, or having abortions, or getting divorced once, twice, or more, or being just an overall bitch or asshole while believing that you just need to head off to church once or twice a week and you will be forgiven.


I can't believe the bible, because absolutely nobody is safe. There is a verse somewhere in there condemning you for every little thing that you do, did, or someone in your family has done, so why read it?


Here is why... Read it for what it is: A book full of stories and analogies to help people try to lead a good and moral life. Because if you read it and believe that everything in it is real and gospel truth, then there is surely something that will cast you into the charred walls of the damned, right?


Have a nice day!